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St Valentines Day! Love and other emotions
This blog today is all about love…. or maybe not! As criminologists, we tend to see things slightly different, and our perspective is influenced by functions other than undying declarations of love.
Saint Valentine is associated with love and people celebrate the day with their special romantic person, or by pursuing any person of interest, with romantic cards. Greeting cards, bottles of wine, boxes of chocolates, bunches of flowers, heart shaped jewellery, lovely sonnets, sexy underwear, kinky gifts and over the top romantic gestures! All of the above are anticipated actions on this day. Any of these will act as a demonstration of love. In some ways the more enormous the gesture the greater the demonstration of love and intimacy to the intended special person. Many times, we hear those in a relationship rut complaining that “they don’t even buy me chocolates anymore” a sign that love has fizzled out.
Love is a powerful emotion, and I dare not to challenge it. Artists have created their best work on love! Religion has created its strongest appeal on love. People, the world over, have based their entire lives of how they feel about a person they choose to be their partner and share their lives with. So clearly love is important! Enough for an Austrian psychotherapist to create an entire theory on love and sex. We feel ready to go to war for love and we are completely convinced that love is the force that keeps us going. Love is strong and we feel it every day.
Therefore, it is slightly surprising that the patron saint of romantic love is a rather fictional character! The saint is meant to be a priest who lived in the 3rd century AD and martyred by tortured for his faith. There was no romance involved and there were no love poems written of the time. In fact, the Roman Catholic church did not recognise or mentioned this martyrdom at the time. The first accounts on St Valentine appear in the 6th and later the 9th centuries, some centuries later. Since then, the story of the saint is embellished further, until the 19th century when it becomes connected with romantic love in some tenuous way. For example, the more recent narratives claim that before his execution he would convert and cure the daughter of his jailer. He was also officiating wedding ceremonies between Christians which may have given him the romantic connection. In the 19th century we have the first mass production of love tokens dedicated to the day and in the 20th, century especially post 1960s the celebration was growing in popularity and appeal. Currently the day is a celebration that has a significant capitalist value. It is usually a commercial success midway between Christmas and Easter.
Some religious historians noted that in the Roman calendar in February there have been rituals and celebrations on fertility and cleanliness (physical, spiritual). It was the time presumably when young Romans prepared for sexual relations. Therefore, an amalgamation of the old practices and the then new religion overlap with an obscure Saint to act as the glue to connect them and reaffirm the importance of love. Ironically the Roman citizens of the time, in particular the patricians, would not recognise such acts! They married out of interest, connecting the wealth and power of different factions. In those cycles love was more of a chimera rather than a reality.
Romantic love with knights, towers, dragons and gestures of devotion will appear as fanciful tales. Who hasn’t heard of Odysseus and his beloved wife Penelope who remained faithful to him for 20 years! Her fidelity was not reciprocated, and Odysseus had multiple affairs and fathered several children across the Mediterranean. Not quite the romantic story people would like to believe. Romantic love was always a tale, with vivid twists and turns. Love appears almost pure, undiluted that lifts those in its path. Shakespeare wrote fantastic sonnets on love. Some of the best things ever written in English. Still his contemporaries did not recognise this love. The majority of people at the time died young, malnourished and exhausted. Those who barely survive cannot afford to embrace love. As for those in power their relationship with love can be summed up in the old mnemonic rhyme “divorced, beheaded, died; divorced, beheaded, survived”!
We presume that romantic love is a representation of two people having feelings for one other. That is a nice sentiment but historically weak. Love for women does not exist. Not because women are devoid of emotions; quite the contrary! Because women have been used in social transactions between men who barter and use them as part of their household. A feminist today can recognise, despite all assurances for equality, how unequal life is. Especially in the household! If anyone wants to see why love is not equal only see how domestic and intimate violence is spread between gender lines. Because St Valentine brings flowers and chocolates, but it also brings beatings and abuse. Across the year it is during holidays and significant dates, including St Valentines that violence against women surges. One can unfortunately deduce that love is not for women. Oh…. The irony as romantic novels and movies are presented mostly for women as “chick flicks”!
Earlier in this post, it was said that the bigger the romantic move the better! Who will do this big romantic gesture? A man with chivalrous intent. Our household data reveal that men will spend more than double on what women will spend on the day, making their romantic intent more obvious. Perhaps men are more romantic and feel the need to satisfy that internal need. Or maybe there are other emotions at play. Love is very powerful, but so is possessiveness. In a history of transactions men used women for trading, so their gestures may be a latent act of dominance, a fresh reminder of possession. Instead of giving them chocolates, you may as well urinate all over them. That way your beloved will have your scent and keep other suitors away. So, this is not love but control, jealousy and dominance. Every drop of wine, every piece of chocolate, every flower petal, is yet another link in the chain of ownership. In case this gets misunderstood, the individual who buys flowers isn’t a villain, but the history of this kind of love is pointing in this direction. Your partner may have the best intentions and the greatest love and regard for you, but our society has never really acknowledged the transactional relationship between men and women. It is similar to those who speak of the evils of slavery, but with no recognition of reparations. This love is not pure and clean. It is the darkest form of patriarchy that controls people making them to believe in an adult fairytale once the other story of Santa Claus is not believed any more.
Romantic actions target all incomes and all ages, but of course there is a drive to get younger people, new generations of customers, on the love spending machine. At this stage I shall write…what not to do when you are planning a romantic day! Do not go overboard. Love is something felt in the heart not in the pocket. Heart-shaped products do not say “I love you” more than square or round ones! Red is no more appealing than any other colour and of course if emotions are high, they tend to last more than a day! Ideally do not spend any money! In the unfortunate event that you do, do not cook your romantic meal with a sharp knife. You may pierce the palm of your hand and end up with stitches. Do not spread chocolate on a partner before establishing if they are allergic to any of the ingredients, you may end up in A&E. Do not offer them wine, if they have an intolerance to alcohol, they may vomit all over your pristine bedspread. Do not write something funny or profound if they are thick and unable to comprehend deeper meanings (in that case what are you doing with them???). Love is not an idea, a moment, a day, an instant. It is a lifetime however long or short it is. You will live in love and you will die in love. Even when you are by yourself love is in you and it cannot be defined by the actions of people around you. Finally, love is selfless so do not try to control them, “love is a rebellious bird that nobody can tame”!
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The ‘other’ BBC worldservice. #BlackenAsianWithLove
The ‘other’ BBC worldservice.
If you google “BBC+Mandingo,” please be aware that it is NSFW. Use your imagination. Now, imagine an auction block. Imagine a slave standing there. Breeding slaves underpinned the ‘white supremacist, capitalist, patriarchal’ system that placed their bodies upon that auction block. Hyper-sexualisation of Black bodies began right there. It is bell hooks’ Intersectionality lens that’s necessary for a holistic gaze upon consumer commodification.
Now, imagine that one Black boy in class, vying for attention just as any other adolescent, yet he’s got an entire multitude of hyper-sexualised images filling the heads of virtually everyone in the room. By the time they hit the locker-room, everyone is expecting to see this kid’s BBC. I’ve had many (non-Black) adults say that to me explicitly, inexplicably in any given situation where one might not otherwise imagine penis size would surface so casually in conversation. Hence, we can all imagine that with the crudeness of adolescent male vernacular: Your kid is asking my kid why his penis isn’t what all the rappers rap about. 
Why are so many commercially successful rappers’ fantasies reduced to “patriarchal f*cking?” Reading Michael Kimmel’s essay “Fuel for Fantasy: The Ideological Construction of Male Lust,” in her seminal book We Real Cool: Black Masculinity, bell hooks clarifies: “In the iconography of black male sexuality, compulsive-obsessive fucking is represented as a form of power when in actuality it is an indication of extreme powerlessness” (hooks: 67-8).
It’s auto-asphyxiation, a kind of nihilistic sadomasochism that says, if the world thinks of me as a beast, then a beast I shall be. Plenty of kids work this out by the time they hit the playground. “Patriarchy, as manifest in hip-hop, is where we can have our version of power within this very oppressive society,” explains writer/activist Kevin Powell (qtd. in hooks: 56). Ironically, Powell came to fame in the 90’s on MTV through the original reality show aptly entitled “The Real World.”
Plantation Politics 101
Since at least 2017, commercial rap has been the most widely sold musical genre; it’s pop. Beyond roughly 700,000 sales, Black people are not the primary purchasers of commercialised rap, as explained in the documentary Hip-Hop: Beyond Beats and Rhymes. It takes millions to earn ‘multi-platinum’ status. Yet, while created by and for Black and brown people in ghettoized communities, it has morphed into a transnational commodity having little to do with the realities of its originators, save for the S&M fantasies of wealth beyond imagination. And what do they boast of doing with that power, read as wealth? Liberating the masses from poverty? Intervening on the Prison Industrial Complex? Competing with the “nightmare” racist landlords like Donald Trump’s dad Fred? No! They mimic the very gangsters they pretend to be. Once Italian-Americans held hard that stereotype, but now it’s us. It’s always about power. Truly, ‘it’s bigger than Hip-Hop’.
The more painful question few bother asking is why commercial rap music focuses so keenly on pimps, thugs, b*tches and whores? Like other commodities, commercial rap is tailored to the primary consumer base, which isn’t (fellow) Black people, but white youth. What is it about contemporary white youth that craves images of salacious, monstrous, licentious and violent Black people boasting about killing and maiming one another? Describing this mass commercial “Misogynistic rap music,” hooks states: “It is the plantation economy, where black males labor in the field of gender and come out ready to defend their patriarchal manhood by all manner of violence against women and men whom they perceive to be weak and like women” (hooks: 57-8). Plainly, the root of commercial rap’s global prominence is the reenactment of “sadomasochistic rituals of domination, of power and play” (hooks: 65).
Hyper-sexualisation is a form of projection onto Black people a mass white anxiety about our shared “history of their brutal torture, rape, and enslavement of black bodies” (hooks: 63). She goes on to explain: “If white men had an unusual obsession with black male genitalia it was because they had to understand the sexual primitive, the demonic beast in their midst. And if during lynchings they touched burnt flesh, exposed private parts, and cut off bits and pieces of black male bodies, white folks saw this ritualistic sacrifice as in no way a commentary on their obsession with black bodies, naked flesh, sexuality” (ibid). Hence the BBC obsession finds a consumer home safely in pop music!
“I am ashamed of my small penis,” a stranger recently mentioned to me in a grilled wing joint I happened upon here in Hanoi. The confession came from nowhere, having nothing to do with anything happening between us at the time. Is this the locker-room banter I always hear about? Are straight men really so obsessed with their penises? Given his broken English and my non-existent Vietnamese, I tried comforting him by explaining in the simplest terms the saying: “It’s not the size of the wave but the motion of the ocean.” Colloquialisms never translate easily, but I did at least deflect the subject away from ethno-sexual myths spread worldwide through contemporary consumer culture.
We’ve got to talk about ethno-sexual myths with openness, honesty and integrity. Silence is the master’s tool; silence = death! Further, echoing ‘black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet’ Audre Lorde, ‘The master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house”. I am Black in Asia, and there are perhaps no two groups of men at polar opposites of ethno-sexual myths. Like the hyper-sexualisation of women of colour, these myths reveal that neither Blackness nor Asianess is at the centre of these globally circulated myths. Hyper-sexual in comparison to who or what? Hegemonic heteronormative whiteness. Say it with me: Duh!
To get In-formation:
hooks, b. (2004) We Real Cool: Black Men and Masculinity. New York: Routledge.
Lorde, A. (1984) Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches. Berkeley: Crossing Press.
Thoughts from the criminology team 